Yesterday for dinner I had chili dogs.  Maybe that doesn’t sound strange to you.  But what if I told you that I eat dinner at 8AM.  Yeah, 8 in the morning.  Now what?  Is that a little weird?

Well, guess what?  Those chili dogs, which had been sitting in the refrigerator for several days, the wrapping, bun, and chili sauce all sticking together, were pretty damn good.  And I didn’t feel any discomfort afterward.  No gas pains, no urge to vomit.  Nothing.  And do you know why?  Well, I’ll tell you…


My DNA is just sitting there, being awesome

Yeah, that’s right.  My DNA is Elite.  While mere mortals like you consider 8AM a bad time to eat chili dogs, Elite DNA havers like me think it’s perfect.  8AM is my midnight, motherfuckers!

Oh, you don’t believe that I have Elite DNA?  Sure, I understand.  You are a washed up piece of shit who probably exercises regularly, eats right, and takes Flintstone vitamins daily.  You probably think someone who has worked hard to keep themselves in shape couldn’t possibly be upstaged by an awesome dude like me who treats his body like shit. 


You know how you occasionally get headaches and have to take a Tylenol?  Maybe you know people who actually get migraines.  It’s horrible, I know.  But I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A HEADACHE IN MY LIFE.  HAHAHAHA.  SUCKS TO BE YOU, LOSER!

Waaaaaah!!  My head hurts.  Waaaaaah!!

I can feel you fuming.  You with the cold washrag over your eyes and me eating chili dogs and not feeling a thing.  Sure, you’re probably upset.  Well, that’s not all.  I also haven’t puked in 3 years, and before that I went 11 years straight without vomiting.  Let me say that again:  11 YEAR NON-VOMIT STREAK.  Top that, you peon.

Okay, so now that we’ve established how Elite my DNA is and how pitiful of a specimen you are, let’s go over a few more things.  Here, I’ll make you a list:

AIDS – Never had it.  Probably like a bajillion people have it.  Not me.  Ever.

CANCER – Nope.  I dare cancer to come at me.  I’ll send it home crying.

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION – Old people who are weak get that.  I am not old or weak.

RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME – Hahaha, yeah right. 

ANXIETY AND/OR DEPRESSION – That’s for wussies.  I make YOU depressed when you compare yourself to me.

Listen, I wasn’t kidding around.  My DNA is Elite, and yours isn’t.  It’s fine.  Get over it.  But I won’t lie to you people.  I have been sick before.  It’s true.  I do get sick occasionally.  But it lasts for a few days and I come back as strong and as Elite as ever.  It’s like a system refresh.  I feel like crap for a bit, restart, and BOOM.  I’m back in business.

So you’ve probably been learning a lot from reading this.  But here’s something you didn’t know:  the whole time I’ve been writing this I’ve been eating more chili dogs.  HAHAHA.  It’s nearly 5am and I’m munching away on probably the greasiest, most fattening food that exists in the world.  What are you doing?  Probably sleeping.  Because you’re weak!

Yesterday evening, or as I call it, “earlier today,” I had pizza.  Before that I had pasta bake and before that I had swedish meatballs.  Then, just to fuck with my digestive system, I ate a couple cups of yogurt.  It couldn’t fucking believe it.  Pizza, pasta, meatballs….yogurt?  HAHAHAHA.  I RULE!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I am through harassing you now.  Go forth and tell people you have met the Ubermensch spoken of by Nietzsche.  Tell them you have found perhaps the greatest specimen ever produced by mere mortals.  Tell them you have met the future….AND IT IS ME!!!!! 

But mostly remember that I have Elite DNA, and that you are a little bitch.


2 thoughts on “ELITE DNA

  1. This was a tribute to me and one of my work pals, who constantly make fun of our other friends when they complain about being sick or having headaches. "Yeah, we don't get headaches. We have elite DNA, I guess…" Haha, pisses them right off. But it's all in good fun!

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