Penn State, Joe Paterno, Ready To Let Healing Begin*

Jason Korbus here, reporting for Fortean Squirrel Sports…

In the midst of the ugly child sex abuse scandal that has rocked Penn State, school officials are taking the first steps toward reconciliation.

Vowing to never again allow such incidents to go repeatedly unreported, school President Graham Spanier announced he will institute a whistleblower program that will ensure “no child gets fucked in the shower more than a couple of times ever again.”

“We here at Penn State understand the sensitive nature of child sexual abuse,” said Spanier.  “We also know that sometimes people fear telling anyone like, say, the police, that they saw our assistant coach raping a 10 year old.  So today I am proud to announce the ‘Do It Twice, Pay the Price’ initiative.”

This new strategy, which the NCAA vows to support as long as it means television revenues are unaffected, will allow any first offense to be met with strictly a verbal warning.  NCAA President Mark Emmert did warn, however, that while offenders can lure children with promises of fame and fortune, to ply them with offers of candy or comic books is still considered a violation.

Joe Paterno was not available for comment as of press time, but is planning to issue a mumbled and delusional statement from his bathroom window at a later time.

*Yes, this is satire.