The Party Pooper

When I’m invited to a party, my first instinct is not to go.

Who will be there? I’ll need a list of everyone else you’ve invited, please. How many people total? Don’t leave anyone out, because then I’ll be upset. Is anyone I don’t know coming? I don’t want to be around people I’m not familiar with.

Oh, this is going to be horrible!

As the day approaches, I’ve thought out a million different scenarios of how the night will unfold, and most of them are bad. I get cold feet. What if someone doesn’t like me? What if I say or do the wrong thing and get embarrassed? I should probably just stay home.

Then I walk in and, as usual, I’m the fattest guy there. That makes me self-conscious to eat in front of people. I feel like everyone is watching me and judging my every move.

partypooperI rarely drink alcohol, so while everyone is pounding beers or having wine, all I want to do is sip on water or a soda. Inevitably, this will cause a serious drinker to ask why I’m not drinking, and the truthful answer is never good enough. Beer drinkers don’t believe anyone doesn’t like beer. They believe that you just haven’t found the right one, and they think they they are just the person for the job. What follows is an impromptu sampling of several beers, followed by me spitting them into the sink.

Then the party games begin. This really freaks me out. The small-talk I’ve already made with a few different people is more than enough interaction for me. Now you want me to toss ping pong balls into cups? Or pantomime words and phrases for others to guess? What a charade! I like you. Please don’t make me interact with strangers. The last thing I want to do is ruin your good time by screwing up the game.

Sometimes I hide. When people go to one room to enjoy each other’s company, I disappear to be alone in another. One time I went upstairs at a friends house and hid in his closet for an hour.

But the worst is when I have to go to the bathroom. The anxiety of attending this party has been building up for a week. My head is swimming from all the interaction. Combined with the spicy meatballs you laid out, my stomach has turned to mush. It’s definitely going to be diarrhea.

Why is it that, at every social gathering I attend, the host’s bathroom is within 10 feet of the main party hub? There’s no “sneaking off to use the restroom” here because everyone saw you go in. They are all out there timing me. If I’m gone more than 90 seconds, they’ll know I’m shitting. Please don’t let anyone hear. Please let there be enough toilet paper. Let me crack a window or light a match, because if it stinks when I leave, I’ll never hear the end of it. The next person who goes in will tell stories about me for years. Please please please let it all flush down clean. I don’t want to be known as Skidmark.

But enough about all that.  Let me tell you what I do like.  I like when the evening is wrapping up and the crowd starts dwindling and it’s just me, you, and a few other close friends. These are my favorite moments of the night, and it makes all the mental anguish worth it. Sure, we have to get back to our regular lives, but let’s just sit around talking and laughing a little while longer. We’ll all go home soon.

Thanks for having me. It was torture, but I had fun. I know you’ll read this and think about not inviting me next time, but please do. Anxiety sucks, but nothing is worse than being lonely.

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Amazon.com Probably Thinks I’m A Lunatic

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I am obsessed with Amazon. I do a pretty good amount of shopping there; be it books, movies, or…well, that’s pretty much all I buy there. Okay, and there were those few times I bought candy. Lots of candy. In bulk.

Hey, screw you, okay?

Anyway, lately the dichotomy of the books and movies I’ve been buying has been making me laugh. Because I’m interested in politics and social sciences, but also love slasher movies from the 70s and 80s, ordering them together looks really weird in my Amazon shopping cart. Here is the complete contents of my most recent purchase:

BOOKS
Down to Earth Sociology
Socialism: Past and Future
The True Believer: Thoughts on the Nature of Mass Movements

DVDs
Maniac
DeathDream
Black Christmas
Silent Night, Deadly Night

Considering the differences between this list of titles, do you think the folks who work in the Amazon.com warehouse believe this order is for two different people who live at the same address? Or maybe that Jason Korbus of Toledo, OH has some weird multiple personality disorder?

Just a few minutes ago, the last part of this order shipped. Now begins my next time honored Amazon.com tradition: relentlessly checking the tracking information to obsess over where my stuff is and when it will arrive.

The people at Amazon are probably right. I am sick.

Let me know what kind of cool stuff you buy online in the comments below. Are you just as big of a nutbag as I am?

Don’t You Think “The Office” Missed a Huge Opportunity to Spoof Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out?

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Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out was probably the biggest and most important game of my childhood.  My dad and I would take turns playing and trying to beat the likes of Glass Joe, King Hippo and Piston Honda just to get a crack at Kid Dynamite himself, Mike Tyson.  My dad defeated him before I did.  I remember him waking me up in the middle of the night just to show me.  He was practically out of breath with excitement.  I was in awe.  I thought Tyson was invincible, both in real life and in the world of video games.  A short while later, Buster Douglas would destroy that idea and, from then on, the video game never quite as cool again.

I hopped on YouTube Wednesday night because I couldn’t remember how the Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out “bike riding” theme sounded.  Because, apparently, that is what the internet is for.  After watching a quick video and humming along, it dawned on me that Little Mac, the hero of the game, looked a lot like the actor/writer BJ Novak from The Office.  I went looking on Google Image Search for pictures of the two of them to show a friend the resemblance.  From out of nowhere, it hit me that the character of Stanley from the same show is a dead ringer for Little Mac’s trainer, Doc.  Once that happened, this photo was just elementary.  It still kind of cracks me up.

I put the photo up on my Facebook and Twitter but it didn’t get much of a response.  Eh, whatever.  It happens.  So, I put it here as well in case anyone stumbles across it.  Maybe you’ll get a kick out of it, too.